How Tobi SingleHandedly Defeated the Akatsuki
by ChenaChan
Summary: What would be a normal day at the Akatsuki headquarters? Imagine... Giant shark tanks, broken sculptures, pissed off Akatsuki members, and a pink apronclad Tobi. Yes, indeed. All about Tobi and his little antics. Crack fic!
1. In Which Tobi Does Some Cleaning

Hi! Haha. This is my first fanfic ever, so um. Don't flame me. Please. I tried to make it as realistic as I could, because I don't like OoC's very much. But, yeah. Haha. If you're confused about something, just ask me in your review, or if there's something to correct, tell me, please. I hope you like it.

---

Tobi took everything the wrong way.

It was sad, really, but good for him, I suppose.

Take for example, one night at the Akatsuki lair…

---

Deidara was in his workshop, carefully experimenting with his clay, trying to create a new piece of art. He was trying to create something to bang Itachi out of his senses, to show that he _was_ capable of defeating that stupid Sharingan. It was going pretty well, considering the amount of disturbances he had to constantly endure.

Those disturbances being another name for Tobi.

Evil with a cute name.

"Deidara-sempai!!"

The said above sempai jumped and cursed as the carefully molded leg detached from the body and fell to the ground.

"Dammit, Tobi! Why do you always interrupt me when I'm creating great works of art, un?" he demanded as the exuberant Akatsuki member bounced into his workshop, waving a skillet in one hand. He reattached the leg to the body.

"I'm sorry, Deidara-sempai, but it's time for dinner!" Tobi said, sounding a bit hurt as he straightened out his pink apron.

Deidara resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Tobi was wearing an apron. A _pink_ one, for heaven's sake. He was an embarrassment to mankind. "Whatever. I'm coming, un," he muttered, as he carefully placed his work of art on the table. He stood up and followed Tobi out of his workshop and through the winding hallways.

---

"Deidara."

"Un?"

"You have a meeting with the villagers of the Hidden Cloud Village tomorrow. You will go by yourself. Make sure you get information on the Jinchuuriki," the leader said, his eyes glittering with the unfinished message: _Or else._

"Yes sir," Deidara muttered, swallowing his mouthful of rice.

Tobi gasped. "Without me? But, but I would like a mission too, Leader-sama!"

Deidara's eyes widened and he shook his head frantically behind Tobi's back.

Konan spoke up. "Um, Tobi, I'll give you a mission."

Tobi whipped his hair towards the blue-haired woman. "Really?! Konan-san would really do that?"

Konan nodded. "I noticed that the lair has been dirty lately, probably since this place is filled with filthy, lazy men."

Everyone except Itachi and the Leader flinched at this.

"So, your mission will be to clean this hideout thoroughly by tomorrow, no later than dinner time," Konan concluded.

"Yes! I will make Konan-san proud!" Tobi saluted, and stood up so quickly that his chair toppled to the ground.

Everyone winced.

---

Tobi sat back, exhausted. He had just finished cleaning the enormous living room, which took two hours, since he had to be _extremely_ careful with the furniture. They were all antiques, even the sofas, and Leader-sama would have assured a slow, painful death for Tobi if he ruined anything.

Tobi had slept extra early the night before, in order to get a good night's sleep. He had woken up at five in the morning, excited about his mission. Quickly, he had donned an apron and grabbed a duster, and had tramped merrily down the stairs, consequently waking up everyone and panicking them.

Light sleepers that they all were, they thought they were under attack.

Needless to say, the Leader was not very amused.

Tobi gritted his teeth with determination. All the more reason to pass with flying colors, to make up for his clumsy mistakes. After all, Tobi is a good boy.

He stood up and went into the kitchen. Mop, sweep, clean, dust…

"Tobi? Leader-sama said that-"

Tobi turned from his precariously balanced position. (He was reaching up to dust a corner in the ceiling, balanced on one foot, and on tip-toe for that matter. So he only turned his head. X3)

Standing at the kitchen entrance was Kisame, who was gaping at him.

Kisame's POV:

Kisame walked into the kitchen, saying, "Tobi? Leader-sama said that-"

He stopped mid-sentence. Never had he seen a stranger sight. A full grown man (Tobi) was wearing an apron, and a pink one at that. And he was _dusting. _Good God. How did he make it into the Akatsuki, again?

Back to Tobi:

"Oh! Hello Kisame-san! Is everything all right? You look a bit funny." He finished dusting the ceiling corner and returned to a normal standing position.

"I, n-no, um," Kisame stammered. "Leader-sama says that he wants breakfast right now."

"Ok!" Tobi said cheerfully. He set the duster aside and started the elaborate breakfast the leader usually demanded.

---

After breakfast, Tobi went out to buy some things, and when he came back, went up to the second story to clean everyone's rooms. He started with Hidan's, making the bed, wiping the bloodstains, and setting down new toiletries in the bathroom. Really, Hidan _did_ stink quite often of blood. He even placed a bottle of rose petals on the sink, in case Hidan wanted to take a rose-water bath, and changed the ragged towels for some fluffier ones.

He didn't bother going into Hidan's ritual room though. The religious-freak would castrate him for going into a holy room…

Next was Kakuzu's room. He carefully and meticulously polished the miser's accounting equipment, and organized his many spools of threads in rainbow order. Another ten minutes was used to polish the rare coins hanging on the wall.

After, he made his way to Zetzu's room, carefully watering all the plants and straightening out some things here and there. There wasn't much to do, since Zetzu was pretty neat about things.

He then went into Kisame's room, marveling at the aquarium that took up a whole wall. He polished the glass and gave the fish some food. He also thoughtfully placed a bottle of lotion on the stand, figuring that Kisame's skin/fish scales would get dry easily when out of water.

Quietly, he snuck into the Uchiha's room, wary of Itachi. However, he had nothing to worry about, since, one: the homicidal (and practically blind) man wasn't there. Two: There wasn't anything to do except fixing the bed.

Then, he made his way to Deidara's room. The artist had left for his meeting a while ago. Tobi scraped off old clay from the furniture, and dusted the corners. He also placed a bag of clay on his desk. It wasn't explosive clay, since he had no idea where he could find any. He posted a note next to it. It read:

"Deidara-sempai, here is some quality clay for you to play with. It's not explosive, but you can use it for recreational purposes.

Tobi"

Finally, he made his way into Konan's room. She was very neat, and extremely organized. There were tons of origami on the shelves, each labeled and with a glass case over them. Tobi polished the cases and set a pack of high-quality origami paper on Konan's desk, and showed himself out.

Satisfied, Tobi went to do the laundry, having picked up many dirty boxers and socks in the members' rooms. He was too scared to go into Leader's room. Who knew what secrets Leader kept in there?

After he finished, which was some time later, he went around spraying air freshener around the lair.

Exhausted, Tobi collapsed onto a sofa in the den. He had cleaned the kitchen, everyone's rooms, the living room, the workshop…

Oh! He had forgotten Deidara's workshop!

Quickly, he scuttled off, mop and broom in hand.

---

Tobi cautiously opened the door and peeked in. It was dimly lit, and no sign of any traps. However, it was rather dusty, and he immediately got to work.

A few minutes later, Tobi finished dusting and started mopping the floor. It was extremely grimy, and Tobi had to scrub rigorously to get some of the stains off. His face became flushed under his orange mask. After a while, he moved to the other side of the room and mopped again. However, as he was dipping the mop in the bucket, something large caught his eye.

He gasped as he realized that it was a monstrous statue of some strange, exotic animal. Tobi rushed over to it, arms waving excitedly, his attention riveted on the strange object. Thus, he failed to notice how his mop had connected with an object on Deidara's desk, and had thrown it into the air, landing with a muffled thump on the ground. Even that was drowned out by Tobi's _ooh_ing and _ah_ing, as he marveled over the sculpture.

As Tobi circled the sculpture, he noticed a clock hidden behind it, hanging on the wall, and he gasped. It was almost time for dinner! And the mission deadline was by dinner time!

Quickly, Tobi grabbed the mop and mopped furiously on the half of the room that was still dirty. After taking one last glance around, he flew out of the room, mop and bucket in hand. In his haste, he didn't notice the ruined piece of art lying desolately on the floor.

–tumbleweed rolls by-

---

"Oh! Deidara-sempai! Welcome back!" Tobi cried as the disgruntled artist stomped into the dining room, where the other members were eating.

"Save me some dinner, un. I'm going to work a bit more on my art before I eat. Un."

"First, the meeting. Did you get any information?" Pein said, looking up from his plate of food.

"Oh. The Jinchuuriki's a girl, about ten years old. Nothing we can't handle. She lives by herself in some locked up house with really tight security, because the idiot villagers are scared of her," Deidara snorted. "Argh. They gave me all that trouble for nothing, un. I had to hand over like, three-fourths of the gold Kakuzu gave me before they told me anything."

"Hnn," the leader replied. "We will have a briefing on this after dinner, for more details."

"Sure, un," Deidara muttered. He exited the dining room, his stomps echoing through the lair.

Tobi munched thoughtfully on his rice, and was about to bring up the subject of his just-completed mission to Konan, when he heard a shriek.

"AAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Tobi choked.

---

Haha. I hoped you liked it. Um, to clear up some things you might not be sure about:

1. When Tobi went out to buy some things, he was buying presents to place in everyone's rooms. That's where he got all those items.

2. Yes, this is taking place after Sasori died. But –spoiler ahead if you haven't read this far!!- Deidara hasn't died yet. I needed him for this. x)

3. And yes, -another spoiler- I know that Kakuzu and Hidan are supposed to be dead, but really, where's the fun in that?

Well, I hope you enjoyed. Please review!

Next chapter: Deidara's reaction. Which you just got a preview of. x)


	2. In Which Tobi Destroy's Deidara's Mind

Hi! Well, I'm back. Thanks for waiting patiently. Um, this chapter is going to be pretty short, but the next one will be longer, I promise.

I forgot to add the disclaimer on the previous chapter. Whoops.

So Naruto does not belong to me. He and all the other characters belong to Kishimoto, and whatever his first name is. I forget.

Pity. I could be a trillionaire with all his money…

---

Everyone looked up from their food.

"What the hell?" muttered Hidan.

There were loud stomps that echoed through the lair.

"Is Deidara-sempai alright?" wondered Tobi.

"All right?! Why the HELL would I be all right?!" an outraged shriek came. Deidara crashed into the dining room a second later, his face purple with rage.

"Deidara, dude, tell us what's wrong already," muttered Hidan.

The furious artist ignored Hidan and turned instead to Tobi. "Were you in my workshop?"

Tobi nodded.

"Were you in there to clean?" Deidara demanded, his voice shaking in fury.

Tobi nodded again.

"You… You," Deidara stuttered, more angry than ever.

"Deidara, what happened?" asked Kisame, curious.

With a trembling arm, Deidara held up his ruined sculpture.

It actually wasn't ruined _that_ much. Deidara had been creating a sort of bird. It had a round head, and a large body. However, it had six feet, like an insect, and had the tail of lion.

Or at least, it was supposed to.

The tail had broken off, and part of the beak (of the bird head). So it looked like it had a snout, and a stub of a tail. Plus, there was a large crater on one side of it, as it had fallen on top of a lumpy section of the stone floor.

Tobi gasped. Deidara fumed, waiting for the torrent of apologies. He was beyond furious. He was going to explode any second. He had worked on this for YEARS. YEARS.

Then Tobi sprang forward, and grabbed the sculpture. "Oh my gosh, Deidara-sempai, for me?! Thank you so much! Thank you thank you thank you!" he cried jubilantly.

Deidara stared at him blankly.

"Deidara-sempai, you didn't have to give me anything for cleaning your workshop! Thank you so much! Tobi shall treasure it forever!" Tobi ran upstairs and to his room, presumably to hide the sculpture safely.

Deidara just stood there. Suddenly, it clicked, and he understood what Tobi had meant.

That little…!

The idiot thought he gave it to him as a _gift_.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Deidara shrieked.

---

It took an hour to calm Deidara down. Well, enough to the point where he didn't try to castrate Tobi. But the lair was in serious danger of breaking.

After they had shut Deidara in a barrier jutsu, the members returned to their dinner. Tobi was still tearful over the "present" Deidara had "given" him, and was completely oblivious to the chaos.

"Well, it looks like you passed your mission, I supposed," Konan mused, adjusting the flower in her hair.

Tobi's ecstatic mood soared even higher. "Really? Wow! Do I get anything?" he asked, excited.

"Um," Konan thought. "I'll buy a gourmet cookbook for you tomorrow."

Tobi squealed with excitement. "Thank you!"

---

Tsk tsk. Temper, Deidara. xD

Haha. So that's how Tobi just completely _defeated _Deidara.

Next up… Well… Actually, you guys decided. Tell me who you want next, ok? Choose between Kisame, Kakuzu, Hidan, and Zetsu. Not the others, I'd rather do them last.

Please please PLEASE review. Seriously. REVIEWWW. -rawr-

Till next time!


	3. Dreams of Wealth Begin

Well, out of the four people that bothered to review and vote -emosob-, three of you chose Kakuzu.

I dunno why, but sure, why not? Don't expect anything good though.

Oh, thank you so much, Aurelle, for all your wonderful ideas. You've really helped kick that writer's block away. Thank you also for your wonderful, lengthy reviews, it really cheers me up. You have awesome ideas for my story. Please check out her stories too, everyone! I have the link on my profile.

Thank you, everyone else, for your kind reviews.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or any other characters mentioned. They all belong to Masashi Kishimoto. (Is that how you spell is first name?)

Haha. _What_ I would do to Hidan if I did..

---

"Tobi, get me that spool of thread."

"Ok!"

"Tobi, get me that piece of cloth."

"Ok!"

"Tobi, get me that ruby."

"Ok!"

Kakuzu sighed inwardly. Tobi had been pestering _everyone_ in the Akatsuki. Kakuzu had kindly done something about him, since most everyone was annoyed/ignoring Tobi, or off somewhere else.

Reasons why Tobi was bothering Kakuzu, and not someone else:

1. Deidara was still recovering from the shock of his ruined art, and would not let Tobi anywhere near 1 mile of him.

2. Hidan was miffed that Tobi had put rose petals in a bottle for him, that he might use it in his bath. ("Why the hell would I do that? Do you take me for a fucking girl?") He started smelling like flowers though, recently.

3. Kisame wasn't really mad, although a bit annoyed that Tobi had touched his fish tank without his permission. He was off researching the Kyuubi with Itachi.

4. As for Itachi, even if he were here, he would just… Well, it wasn't like Itachi got all warm and fuzzy and let's-share-our-deepest-darkest-secrets-like. He would just go on blandly ignoring Tobi, as usual.

5. Pein and Konan were off somewhere by themselves, naturally.

6. Zetsu was off on a mission, which would explain why Tobi did not have his usual "playmate".

So therefore, Kakuzu was the one to entertain the masked man. He was the only one that wasn't really bothered by Tobi today, and plus, he was falling behind in his work.

Work being another name for tailor.

Seamstress (err, in the male sense)

Person-who-makes-sexy-pieces-of-clothing.

After all, the Akatsuki couldn't just get their money from bounties. That just wasn't enough money for what they needed.

Besides, the people they chased were S-Class criminals.

Sure, they were the Akatsuki, and could beat them to a pulp after what, five minutes of observing and planning, but they had better things to do.

They had to find the Jinchuuriki, get information, chase them, extract the stupid bijuu, the whole shebang.

So of course, the leader gave them tasks, making them do what they did best.

The Akatsuki's talents:

1. Kakuzu: Obviously sewing, right? The Leader had um… forcefully persuaded the manager of an extremely famous clothing company to take Kakuzu in. After a while, the manager came to anticipate Kakuzu's many great designs.

2. Deidara: Sculptures. Also very obvious. The Leader sold his many sculptures in auctions. Although he seemed to be taking a sick week, traumatized that the artist was…

3. Zetsu: Gardening. Duh. He cross-pollinated flowers, creating different breeds and whatnot. The flowers and bouquets would be sold expensively, making great decorations for parties. He also grew poisonous plants, and sold them to… people.

4. Hidan: Well, Hidan was an… interesting case. It certainly took the Leader many sleepless (well, not that extreme) nights to think up something for Hidan, since the only talent he seemed to have was the ability to cuss someone into the next galaxy. However, the Leader one day suddenly created a web site, and gave Hidan instructions. He was to be a man named Usagi (to Hidan's great consternation) and answer people's questions. A Dear Abbey, if you will. Only he didn't answer questions about love, and parents and children. Oh no no no. He gave advice on _revenge_. At first, it wasn't much of a success. I mean, come on. Who the freak would listen to advice given by a man whose alias was _Usagi? _(Usagi means rabbit in Japanese, btw.) But turns out, this mysterious man with a heck of a name turned out to be an excellent advice giver. It became so successful, a computer company paid him to keep up the webpage, and every time someone clicked on his webpage, he would get 10 yen. Not much, but a _lot_ of people visited his page.

5. Kisame: He was a professional swimmer. He made it to the Olympics and pretty much left everyone behind in a matter of seconds, leaving dust clouds bubbles behind in his wake. He earned a lot of money that way.

6. Itachi: Well, Itachi didn't really do much. He just went around, flitting from job to job quite easily. Currently, he was employed as an accountant, a book binder, and a manufacturer of some sort. It was easy to do any job, since he had his Sharingan. Once he saw it being done, he could do it too.

7. Sasori: Well, before Sasori got himself killed by some stupid pink-haired girl, he used to make dolls. To be more specific, Barbie dolls. Sasori had been enraged at this, but he had had no choice but to do as the Leader said. It had actually been quite a success, and ever since Sasori had died, Kakuzu had to watch the Akatsuki's money carefully. The loss of Sasori's skills had a major impact on the financial status. Those Barbie dolls were extremely popular…

8. Tobi: Tobi had been a tough nut to crack, seeing how he was virtually useless. However, the first night Leader allowed Tobi to cook (which was about a month after Tobi joined, mistrustful man that Pein was), Leader realized that Tobi had a great talent. So Tobi joined a catering place, and cooked for parties. He worked only three times a week, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays.

9. Konan: Konan didn't do much either, only because the leader didn't let her. (A/N: He has a soft spot for her, I know he does…) She would make an occasional origami book, and then other times, she would work as a decorator. She was best at wallpapering and birthday parties, hanging color streamers and origami from the ceilings.

10. Pein: Well, uh. No one really knew what he did.

So it was on this one lazy, Saturday morning that Kakuzu had nothing to do, but his respective, second job. Tobi also had nothing to do, so he volunteered to help. Kakuzu knew that if he didn't let him, Tobi would go around bothering everyone else, thus putting everyone in a bad mood.

Kakuzu told himself that he didn't have a nice side, he was just watching out for himself, and himself only. After all, if Tobi annoyed the Leader, the Leader would take it out on them.

But sometimes, Tobi was just _so_ annoying. Like the way he answered cheerfully every time Kakuzu asked for something.

Kakuzu sighed. The dress was making pretty good progress, but he needed a break. "Tobi, I'm going downstairs to get some water. I think I'm done for today. Just put the mannequin and the dress in the closet, and put the spools of thread back."

"Ok!" Tobi said enthusiastically, yet again, and proceeded to rearrange the spools unnecessarily in rainbow order.

Although Kakuzu had to admit, it made it easier to find what he needed.

Kakuzu stretched and headed down. He grabbed some water and gulped it down. As he turned to go, he noticed a piece of paper stuck to the fridge by a magnet.

Oh. That reminded him of something. He headed towards the door, snagging his hat from the peg next to the door, and exited the Akatsuki lair. Kakuzu breathed in the fresh air as he walked towards the nearest village. (A/N: No, you didn't! You flew on your magic carpet! -cough- Sorry, couldn't resist)

After a few minutes walking, he reached the village, and walked towards the first newspaper stand he saw. Making sure that no one was watching, he tricked it (A/N: don't ask me how), and opened it, grabbing a newspaper. Like he was going to pay 30 yen to read about some pompous, fat idiot who wasn't ruling his country correctly.

He unfurled it as he began walking back to the lair, skimming disinterestedly over the politics. He had to pause his reading for a moment as he performed the seal that would move the boulder from the entrance to the lair, and continued reading as he ambled up into his room.

Finally, he reached what he was looking for, the section about the lottery. The winner that week was A133784.

Kakuzu opened a drawer in his desk and pulled out a ticket. He compared them.

A133784!

The exact same! He grinned and checked out the prize. It was…

Holy. Shit.

563,500,000 yen.

Quickly, Kakuzu grabbed a pair of scissors and neatly cut out the ticket, never straying from the black line that outlined it. He put the tickets on his desk, one on top of the other, and put the scissors back. Then he merrily headed downstairs, in a good mood. He would cash it in the next afternoon, after he went to his meeting with the clothing company.

---

Tobi zoomed through the rooms, duster in hand. It was Monday! He had to hurry and go to the catering company after he cleaned, and he was running late. The leader had demanded an especially elaborate breakfast that morning, and it had taken twenty more minutes than usual to prepare.

He peeked into Kakuzu's room. Nope, nothing much to do, since he had arranged the spools yesterday. He was about to leave when he saw a piece of paper on Kakuzu's desk. Curious, he scuttled into the room, and peered at the paper.

Movie tickets?

Tobi picked it up, and realized there were two. They both said on them "Lottery Ticket".

A movie called "Lottery Ticket"? Huh. No wonder Kakuzu went and watched it, stingy miser that he was.

But, oh! With a date, by the looks of it! After all, there were two tickets. How exciting! Tobi knew Kakuzu had it in him.

"Well, he won't need these anymore," Tobi said cheerfully, and dumped them into the trash bag. The tickets were not that long, so he assumed that they were used, since the movie attendants tore off the edges of the tickets, handing the longer end of the ticket back to the viewers. (A/N: Sorry, confusing sentence, but you all know what I'm talking about, right?)

Whistling, he headed out the door.

---

Kakuzu sighed as he flung his hat onto his neat bed. What a tiring day. The stupid manager expected the dress to be done by Wednesday.

He pushed the thought out of his mind and headed towards his desk, planning to go and cash the lottery ticket in.

However, the ticket and the one from the newspaper were not there.

Kakuzu looked around the desk, behind it, on the floor, and even under the bed. Nothing.

Unperturbed, he pulled out his mannequin (and the dress it modeled) out from the closet. You were given two weeks to cash the tickets in. Besides, the ticket couldn't have gone anywhere. The lair had barriers on every inch of its exterior, for heaven's sake. A person couldn't get in/out, much less a piece of paper.

No, it would turn up.

---

Poor, unsuspecting Kakuzu.

Hahaha. Ok guys, that's it for now. I'll try to update sooner.

And please review. I have like 200 hits, and only 10 reviews. I don't mind even if it's just "Good job!" or, "update soon!" It only takes a second, so please. Please review. -sounds needy- xD

And reminder: check Aurelle out!

And sorry for all the author's notes. I hate it when it distracts you from reading, but I couldn't resist.

Although you have to admit, the chances of Kakuzu having a magic carpet are pretty big. Y'know, he could weave it out of chakra-filled wool, and like… Yeah.

I'm out!

Chena


	4. Memo

Ok, buys? This is where I put the memo that I was grounded, and then I replaced it with the chapter….

Then I realized that those of you who reviewed the memo couldn't review the chapter, since you can only review once per chapter….

So, uh. o-o


	5. Dreams of Wealth End

**Edit: Hey, I just realized that since I replaced this chapter with the memo, those of you who "reviewed" to tell me to fight on while grounded, can't review this chapter. So, I fixed that! Please, review this chapter! (I added this in the bottom of the page too, to remind you. ;)**

Hi everyone!! Thank you so much for waiting patiently for this next chapter! Well, please enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Sadly. No, the characters all belong to dear ol Kishimoto.

Pity. I could do with the money...

---

Kakuzu undid the stitching on his mouth, so that he could eat dinner.

There was nothing more than the usual sounds at dinner, the clinking of forks on plates, and soft munching. Of course, that wasn't surprising. After all, the Akatsuki weren't social people.

Even if they were, what was there to talk about? The recent disemboweling of an S-class ninja?

Pshaw. That kind of stuff was all in a day's work.

Not even Tobi broke the silence during meal time. He knew better than to annoy Pein like that.

Kakuzu was a bit curious though, as he saw Tobi scarf down his food under his mask and stand up in a rush.

"Yo, where's the fire?" Kisame asked in his nasally voice.

"Fire? There is no fire," Tobi paused, confused.

Kisame just shook is head. "Never mind."

Tobi shrugged, and the members watched as Tobi rushed into the kitchen.

As the members finished up their dinner, Tobi burst into the dining room, holding a scrumptious, chocolate cake, with red icing shaped like clouds. When Tobi got closer to the table, Kakuzu saw that there was white icing that spelled out, "Congratulations!" in flowing script.

The members just sat there.

"Congratulations—" Tobi began.

Kakuzu stared at Tobi. Congratulations for who? And for what?

Kakuzu choked when Tobi placed in front of him with a flourish, saying, "—Kakuzu-san!"

Hidan broke the silence, as usual. "Why the hell is he being congratulated?"

Tobi grabbed a knife from the table and began cutting the cake. "Because," he explained. "Kakuzu-san went on a date with someone!"

"Huh?" all the Akatsuki members exclaimed simultaneously, sans Itachi, Pein, and Konan. Although the latter raised an eyebrow at this.

"What the hell?" sputtered Kakuzu. "I did not!"

"Oh-ho," said Kisame. "Going around with a lady behind our backs, are we?" he said slyly.

"If you told her anything about us, you're dead," stated Pein, as he continued to eat his mashed potatoes.

"Hold on!" Kakuzu shouted, slamming his fist on the table. "I did not go on a date with anyone!!"

"Yes, you did," Tobi insisted.

Kakuzu glared at him. Date? Where the hell did he pull that one from? "And, what proof do you have that I went on a date with someone?" he asked scathingly.

Tobi passed a platter of cake to Pein as he replied, "You went to see a movie with someone!"

Kakuzu stared at the orange-masked-man incredulously. What? Movie? As if! "I'd never spend money on something as pointless as a movie!" he protested.

Tobi laughed. "It's ok, Kakuzu-sama. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. We're all proud of you."

Itachi certainly didn't look proud. He looked bored.

"And what proof do you have that I watched a movie with someone?"

"Because!" Tobi said cheerfully. "I found the tickets in your room!"

A horrible suspicion loomed upon Kakuzu.

"What," Kakuzu paused to clear his throat. "What did those tickets say on them, Tobi?"

"The Lottery Ticket!" Tobi replied. "Was it a good movie?"

Kakuzu could feel the blood drain out of his face. Actually, not drain. Drain was too slow of a word to describe how quickly the blood went out of his face. Perhaps the word dropped-faster-than-that-one-scary-ride-in-an-amusement-park-where-the-elevator-free-falls-from-the-top-of-a-high-tower would fit this situation better.

"And, Tobi. What exactly did you do with those tickets?" Kakuzu asked, struggling to keep his voice calm.

Kisame peered at Kakuzu's face uncertainly.

"I threw them away, of course!" Tobi replied cheerfully. "After all, I didn't think you'd need—" He was cut short as Kakuzu lunged across the table.

"I'm going to kill you!" Kakuzu shrieked, enraged.

Hidan laughed. "Whoa, she must be a killer or something, to get you all mad. What's the matter, didn't want to lose your souvenir from last night?"

"NO!" Kakuzu roared, trying to get at Tobi, who leaped agilely out of the way.

Kisame snickered. "Wow, this is the first time I've ever seen Kakuzu so worked up. Are you working on a wedding dress for her?"

Kakuzu lashed out at Kisame with a tentacle. (AN:.. It is a tentacle… right? o-o) "I'm telling you, _that's not it!!"_

"_Sure looks like it_," the black side of Zetsu's face muttered.

Kakuzu glared at Tobi, who seemed confused. He forced himself to take a deep breath, and sat back in his seat. "I am mad," he began through clenched teeth (although mad didn't quite cover it), "because those were not movie tickets. Those were lottery tickets."

Everyone stared at him blankly.

Kakuzu sighed. "A _winning_ lottery ticket," he elaborated.

Silence.

Then—

"Tobi, you _bastard_!" yelled Hidan.

"How much money was it?" Pein asked calmly.

Kakuzu gritted his teeth. "563,500,000 yen."

Silence…

---

After much yelling, shouting, cussing (courtesy of Hidan), Pein finally calmed them down with his famous glare of death.

"We have to get that ticket back!!! Do you know how much fucking money that is?" Hidan yelled.

"I'm sorry! Tobi didn't know!! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi didn't mean it!" Tobi cried.

Zetsu sighed. "It's technically not his fault."

"_Yes it is."_

Zetsu continued. "In a way, it would also be your fault for leaving the ticket out like that, because even in here, nothing is safe."

"_You two are both idiots."_

Tobi whimpered softly.

Kakuzu seethed. "Tobi, what exactly did you do with the ticket?"

"Tobi put it in the garbage bag and threw the bag outside to the dump," Tobi replied.

Kakuzu stood up. "I'm going to go look for it."

"Tobi is sorry!!! Tobi will help you look for the ticket too!"

---

Three days.

Three days and nights, searching endlessly for that ticket. Three _freaking_ days and nights. Everyone eventually helped, even Itachi. They couldn't seem to find it, however. Konan did special paper jutsus, but nothing helped.

Of course, no one spoke to Tobi for a long time.

Poor, poor Tobi. If they had only bothered to check the kitchen floor, where a lone piece of paper was partially hidden under the kitchen island, left there when it flew out the top of the overflowing trash bag. It wasn't found until weeks later, way after the deadline to cash in the ticket.

And that, of course, led to fighting much to graphic to depict in this simple story.

---

Haha. Haha. Yeah. –prepares self for bombards of trash-

I had it mostly finished in November, but then I got really stuck.. And then of course, I got grounded.. And uh..

So the results is this pathetic chapter. I'm really sorry, guys!! But thank you for being patient!

Review please, and tell me who you want next! And ideas of yours too!

**Edit: Hey, I just realized that since I replaced this chapter with the memo, those of you who "reviewed" to tell me to fight on while grounded, can't review this chapter. So, I fixed that! Please, review this chapter! **

ChenaChan


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